Ibid (To Whom it May Concern)

When I began this blog back in the day, I named it Indiscriminate Emotional Whoring because I knew that I was emotionally unstable and immature. I was afraid that this would be no different than all the moody emo teenagers who share their dark poetry and cut themselves. So the name was tongue-in-cheek, as a not so subtle reminder to me to keep the unbridled
self-disclosure under some semblance of control.

I've grown a lot since and become much more stable. I think I might actually be sane enough to finally get married even! My point here however is that while I still express my less-filtered thoughts here from time to time, I still can say like Joseph Smith, "No man knows my history." Or maybe more apt, like any number of big-angry-black-women on daytime talk shows, "Y'all don't know me!" This being the case, I feel it important to introduce myself to you all.

My name is Kenneth Jeppesen, and I love you.

I may forget your name, I may not talk to you, I may avoid eye contact because I feel self-conscious, and I may be hurt or angry at you from time to time, but I still love you the whole way through. Charity is the pure love of Christ, and while this gift is not a every second constant in our lives, I work on building the "pure love of Kenneth." The pure love of Kenneth may not motivate me to do Mother Teresa type things but it is a constant companion in my head that tells me that everyone is flawed, and I need to love them anyway. The pure part means that the love is not conditional on others pleasing me and doing good things. It is constant that is not pegged to performance.

Even when I say negative things, I have NEVER intended to intentionally hurt feelings. I haven't done anything like that since probably elementary school. I really am I nice guy, I've never flipped anyone off while I've been driving. Cussed at them in the safety of my own car? Yes, but when I do the little man in my head reminds me that I do dumb things too and so I need to forgive everyone as I want to be forgiven. Then he asks me what has happened to make me feel so insecure with myself that I would compare myself with others.

Another thing to remember about me is that I think differently from most people. (Duh right?) I say things that sound offensive, brash, harsh, and off-color. But to me, they exist as abstract thoughts, in abstentia of the real things they represent, they don't have the same impact for me. In my mind, I throw out a stimulus and get a response. It's like a game to me. I love how words can be strung together, the eloquence they have and their sheer power. Spitting out a sentence full of critical descriptions in a movie review is no different to me than knocking over a 5foot tower of Lego's. It's the thrill of a little boy learning what he can do. So my words are careless, blunt and many times unintentional. Knowing that language is more like a game to me, I try very hard to be sensitive to those around me and never say anything hurtful. I feel awful when my clumsiness unintentionally damages anyone.

People think I get mad when I talk politics, but really I am just excited to meet on the stage of ideas. I love putting on the intellectual boxing gloves. I take nothing personally when I argue these things and make no attacks on a person.

The words I string together here are used most usually to represent concepts. Christ used analogies to teach concepts and lessons, like the pearls before swine metaphor. While He used swine to represent uncaring people, He certainly never intended that the audience walk away feeling that they had been victims of a personal attack and had been called pigs. Nor do I.

If I were to say "Piss off," it should be interpreted as: Kenneth has had his feelings hurt because his core need of adequacy has been attacked and so he's trying to defend his fragile sense of self by representing his sadness with an imperative that is not intended to cause pain. It is a little cry from a two year old of "ouch" and "be nice you jerkface." The little man in my head, even in the act of me thinking it would say,

"Kenneth, you can't hold a grudge. You can't have unkind or harsh feelings towards any member of this earth. People who say things that hurt you usually don't mean to, and the ones who do it on purpose only do it because they hurt so much inside and don't like who they are." It is true that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Brigham Young said, "I repented about as quickly as I committed the error." Or J. Golden Kimball said, "I repent too damn fast." As quickly as I get angry, I see the anger for what it is, and instantly remember that I cannot begrudge anyone. I fight with all I have to put away every mean thought. Love wins every battle in my soul, I cannot be burdened with sin like that, it's far too heavy for me. I give forgiveness even if none is asked for because I know I need to for my own good, sanity, and joy.

So as I use words as my art form to create concrete expressions of my pain and frustration, know that they never intend to convey animosity or hostility. They aren't an attack on you, I reserve my attacks for dumb movies, "smart" cars, socialism, and unicycles. Not people. (Unless en mass, groups, not individuals. I still love the individuals. Criticism is my mind being a brick looking for a window to recreationally smash. As I mature I'm sure someday I will even have to stop making comical attacks on them too just so no one takes it personally. Someday.)

So while I may not make much eye contact with you, it's only because I am uncomfortable with myself. I love you and have empathy for you. If you took offense where none was intended, if you felt hurt by something I did, I am sorry. And I hope that you will unburden yourself and forgive me, because life's hard enough already. And that's the way it is.